Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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