My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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