why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
