I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
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