so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
