we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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