Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize