It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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