took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
now i know why i became what i already was.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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