The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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