I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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