u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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