Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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