didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
