Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
