You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
