Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
