She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
