I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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