True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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