HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
