Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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