I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize