I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
