I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
