I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I have fence marks all over my body
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
