Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
