Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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