I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
