Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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