He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
