Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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