So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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