My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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