the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize