I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
