I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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