can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
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