My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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