pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
