I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
