the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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