i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
