I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
