I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
