i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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