Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
