I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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