it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Randomize
