Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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