Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
