Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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