so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
we're so committed to being not committed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
