The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
