just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
