I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
