good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
