Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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