i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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