You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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