he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
