why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
