I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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