"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She's the barista slut.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize