Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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