You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
