you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
