so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize